Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
