Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
