Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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