I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
