apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
