Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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