just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
