I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
