I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
