I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
