I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
