my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
4 words: hood of his car
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
