I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
