dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
