how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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