She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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