There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
