I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
