So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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