You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
