well I can't set my house on fire every night
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize