so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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