His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
