I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
