Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Randomize
