On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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