that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
