Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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