if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
