I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
