just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
