My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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