everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
