As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
