Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
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I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside