just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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