just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
