Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
