I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
