Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You don't make any sense
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