So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
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He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
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Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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