Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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