The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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