I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
