I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
