Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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