Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
