my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
