I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
