My friends, they love my intelligence
its not stalking. its research.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
