I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
