just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
