Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
